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are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 1:37:35 AM
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dboe
Posts: 128
Joined: 1/19/2009
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Okay guys. Listen up. Here is the thing. My husband just bought me- get this- a GUN for Valentine's Day. YES you heard that right. Now let me also state that I am also pregnant. For the record, he also got me a teddy bear and some roses. But this was my BIG gift. And like the man is not a jerk. Like I could tell he was really excited and thought I would LOVE it. Maybe because I have shown an interest in shooting and going to the range. Okay but I have not at all I think ever hinted at the fact that I wanted a gun or anything, just a genuine interest (and thats all) and only when the subject comes up. But okay guys, what is he really thinking? Are men this clueless that they really think because a woman expresses an interest in the range (when I also have made it clear MUCH more that I like jewelry and specifically necklaces) that she wants a gun for Valentine's Day? Like do you think my husband secretly dislikes me or something? I did not cry in front of him for the record or anything like that, but I did ask him if it could be taken back... he seemed pretty genuinely upset that I didn't like it but really? Please guys fill me in.....
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 2:35:29 AM
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Gigem08
Posts: 277
Joined: 10/9/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dboe
Okay guys. Listen up. Here is the thing. My husband just bought me- get this- a GUN for Valentine's Day. YES you heard that right. Now let me also state that I am also pregnant. For the record, he also got me a teddy bear and some roses. But this was my BIG gift. And like the man is not a jerk. Like I could tell he was really excited and thought I would LOVE it. Maybe because I have shown an interest in shooting and going to the range. Okay but I have not at all I think ever hinted at the fact that I wanted a gun or anything, just a genuine interest (and thats all) and only when the subject comes up. But okay guys, what is he really thinking? Are men this clueless that they really think because a woman expresses an interest in the range (when I also have made it clear MUCH more that I like jewelry and specifically necklaces) that she wants a gun for Valentine's Day? Like do you think my husband secretly dislikes me or something? I did not cry in front of him for the record or anything like that, but I did ask him if it could be taken back... he seemed pretty genuinely upset that I didn't like it but really? Please guys fill me in.....
No I do not think that he "secretly dislikes" you, I think that he was very glad that you seemed to enjoy something that he very apparently enjoys as well. When he bought it he probably felt like he was doing something great to fulfill his role as protector of you and his growing family and believe me, it definitely feels good to fill one of the Biblical roles that we as men have. Is it the right size for your hand? If so, he probably put a lot of thought into what size and caliber would be appropriate for you and when you rejected it (asked to have it taken back) he may have felt like his efforts to do something really nice and thoughtful (you enjoy shooting and the time/effort/thought put into his purchase) were wasted and/or seemed worthless to you. A lot of guys try to come off as tough and thick-skinned but in reality, every man has his weak spot and it is usually the/his woman. Sounds like he took one in the weak spot. I'm not married but I have been in my share of relationships and there were a couple of occasions in my last one where I did something or bought something for her because I genuinely thought she would like it or appreciate it and it really bothered me/hurt me when I got the opposite reaction of what I expected.
Of course, you have the right to be a little taken aback by his gift, I personally wouldn't have bought a gun for a woman I was with for V-day, maybe a birthday or something but still, remember, you did want to be surprised and you did express an interest in shooting/guns.
Also, would you have rather wanted him to just get the bear and the roses and just leave the gun out of it? To me, it sounds like he got the usual v-day stuff but then went over and above.
Now then, of course I don't know you or your husband and so if I misunderstood the context of the post or if I have offended you, I sincerely apologize. However, your post seemed almost like you thought his gift was ridiculous and simply couldn't understand what would make a man think that it would be appropriate.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my reply.
_____________________________
Jonathan S. Wilder
I only ask that you be real...
(Me)
(Please call me Jonathan, THANKS!)
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 3:11:35 AM
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dboe
Posts: 128
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No Jonathan I think your right and I feel really bad i hurt his feelings. Any thoughts on what to say now to make it somewhat better for him? I really didnt mean to upset him I was just kind of affronted I guess...
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 3:51:16 AM
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wretched1
Posts: 283
Joined: 12/6/2009
From: The state of confusion.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dboe
~~~
Any thoughts on what to say now to make it somewhat better for him?~~~ Think about why you reacted the way that you did and then tell him that. For example: Apologize and thank him for noticing your interest in shooting, but V-day is all about romance to you and you did not want a gun any more than you wanted a vacuum cleaner. Apologize again for any hurt feelings - reiterate that you noticed and appreciated his being observant of your interests. If there is a possibility that you might want a gun at some point in the future, tell him that too.
Of course, the example above is only good if "V-day is all about romance to you". If there is some other reason - like you don't want a gun in the home - then this might be a good time to share that point too.
This event will put a strain on his future gift buying - so you might want to address that too. If you want him to buy surprise gifts w/o you ever being "surprised" like you were this V-day - then discuss your expectations. e.g. romantic for V-Day, practical for B-day, ....
There is a chance that he grew up seeing nothing but practical gifts given for all occasions... if the home needed a new vacuum cleaner and it was near V-day ---- guess what :-)
_____________________________
"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 6:46:39 AM
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MWD
Posts: 184
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From: New Hampshire
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I read some human-interest story in a newspaper about a guy who was struggling for days about what to get his girlfriend for Valentine's Day. Eventually he became paralyzed and gave up. When Valentine's Day finally came around, she unwrapped... a brand new four-way safety flasher for the trunk of her car.
But anyway, my opinion is that giving someone a firearm for Valentine's day is a laughable lapse of judgment, that your husband should bear one hundred percent of the fallout, and that you should feel zero guilt for having asked him to return it. In any relationship, there ought to be self-evident maximums of permissible stupidity, past which Hell To Pay kicks in. This one goes way over the line.
_____________________________
Wayne Brighthall
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 8:36:41 AM
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wretched1
Posts: 283
Joined: 12/6/2009
From: The state of confusion.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MWD
~~~
...giving someone a firearm for Valentine's day is a laughable lapse of judgment, ~~~ Not in the part of the US that I live in :-)
...and I can see it now: shells glued to the top of the box in the shape of a heart...
_____________________________
"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 10:10:59 AM
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MWD
Posts: 184
Joined: 8/23/2006
From: New Hampshire
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Cor-Bons in the shape of a heart.
(When proving your love means nothing but the best.)
So, would that plus a P220 would be the equivalent of He Went To Jared?
_____________________________
Wayne Brighthall
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/14/2010 11:30:22 PM
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wretched1
Posts: 283
Joined: 12/6/2009
From: The state of confusion.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MWD
Cor-Bons in the shape of a heart.
(When proving your love means nothing but the best.)
So, would that plus a P220 would be the equivalent of He Went To Jared?
:-)
Yep.
Since I wrote what I did in the wee hours of the morning, I asked two women today what they thought of such a gift on V-Day; both said it would be fine, It must be a cultural/regional thing.
_____________________________
"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/15/2010 12:12:48 PM
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buckifn
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Hey anything can be romantic if it is shared with the right person.
I think it's great your husband was listening to you enough to know you said anything about hunting. Sometimes you have to look past what's in the box and see what's in the heart.
Maybe you could write a short thank you note and end with a pic of a great cabin in the wilderness where you just might get to use your new gift on a weekend get away with him.
Learning to make something positive out of something negative is a great tool to use in our marriages.
Like the time I bought a dress 2 sizes two small...I could have been crucified for that, but she used it to make something more beautiful.....and we laughed about it a long time after that.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/15/2010 1:31:49 PM
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generationalsingers
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We declare our love as husbands officially one day out of the year. It would be to our advantage to think through those 364 un-valentine days to know our true love needs and wants. One day to get something OUR wives or husbands would love. Not like,.... but love to receive on that day. With that said....maybe define your expectations from this time on. None of us know each other so well that we will do it right all the time. After 36 years of marriage, I know what my wife would cherish and the pecking order of finances would be throng out to have 364 days to buy what she would love to have......and keep. Not trying to pit you against your husband, ever.
_____________________________
Psalm 100
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/22/2010 3:58:48 PM
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Coffee_Drinker
Posts: 231
Joined: 5/20/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dboe
Like do you think my husband secretly dislikes me or something? I did not cry in front of him for the record or anything like that, but I did ask him if it could be taken back... he seemed pretty genuinely upset that I didn't like it but really? Please guys fill me in.....
Ha! That's hilarious! I bought my wife a book once. She was all agast about that. Talked about it for years. Said it was the worst birthday present she ever got. I've since made it up to her. LOL
No, he doesn't secretly dislike you. My best guess is that he REALLY did think you would like the gun as a gift just because you did show an interest in shooting at the range. He apparently had it in his head that it was something you two could enjoy together. Kind of like a matching "his and hers" towel and wash cloth set. Well, now you got the matching pistol set. LOL
Nothing wrong with "telling" him what you really want. You may even have to go as far as whacking him upside the head to get his attention and say to him... "I want... for my birthday." Give him a few options, write it down, whatever. Then let him surprise you. I'll bet he'll get the right idea then.
If you want to be sneaky, take your ring and put it on HIS finger. That will tell him what your ring size is (by which knuckle it goes up to).
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/22/2010 9:55:09 PM
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vikingfan
Posts: 116
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: online
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Yep.
Keep in mind that at the beginning of the marriage, men are generally clueless. If a woman says, 'get me whatever you want' and we take it literally, then you get mad at us.
We are not mind readers. Something like a gun would appeal to us since we want to protect and care for our wives. Now, obviously it didn't appeal to you but there are two ways you can take this:
A) an affront,
or B) recognize the heart and thought behind it.
Keep in mind, as a woman, there will be times when you get something for your husband that will have a similar effect. That's part of men being men and women being women. This is why communication at the beginning is so huge. Men reading their wives' minds and vice versa does not happen in a day. Give your husband some general categories like jewelry, etc, that you like. Over time as he gets to know you and your desires better, he can create the kind of romantic surprise you want.
But none of that will come to pass if you don't let him know now that you appreciate the heart and mind and thought behind the gift, even though the execution was off. Think of it like cooking...you probably weren't great at cooking early on, even in whatever dish for your husband. Over time, you got better. But your husband probably affirmed you on the cooking in the meantime. Same thing here.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/23/2010 9:38:03 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 4266
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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The guy shoulda put flowers in the barrel...
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In 20 years from now, you’ll be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Explore. Dream. Discover
Mark Twain
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/23/2010 10:50:58 AM
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mysteryofgospel
Posts: 252
Joined: 8/12/2009
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dboe,
Men are clueless when they get married. And then it goes downhill from there.
A man asks his wife, "Honey, you never argue when I get mad at you. How do you control your anger?"
"I clean the toilet," she replies.
"How does that help?" he asks.
"I use your toothbrush."
Many years ago I bought my wife what I thought was a beautiful plaid jacket for Valentines Day. I watched in anticipation as she opened the finely wrapped gift I had paid extra to have done.
She looked at it for a second and then said "it's awful, can we get our money back?"
That was my clue, and my freedom, from ever having to buy her another Valentine gift. Ever! And it has worked for 25 years.
I gave her this funny card for the first Valentine we shared. We open that card and read it each year on V-day, then put it away for another year. I have saved thousands of dollars.
Men are clueless. That is how we survive.
Thanks for your funny story.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/23/2010 7:07:09 PM
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Gigem08
Posts: 277
Joined: 10/9/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mysteryofgospel
dboe,
Men are clueless when they get married. And then it goes downhill from there.
A man asks his wife, "Honey, you never argue when I get mad at you. How do you control your anger?"
"I clean the toilet," she replies.
"How does that help?" he asks.
"I use your toothbrush."
Many years ago I bought my wife what I thought was a beautiful plaid jacket for Valentines Day. I watched in anticipation as she opened the finely wrapped gift I had paid extra to have done.
She looked at it for a second and then said "it's awful, can we get our money back?"
That was my clue, and my freedom, from ever having to buy her another Valentine gift. Ever! And it has worked for 25 years.
I gave her this funny card for the first Valentine we shared. We open that card and read it each year on V-day, then put it away for another year. I have saved thousands of dollars.
Men are clueless. That is how we survive.
Thanks for your funny story.
That's AWESOME!!
_____________________________
Jonathan S. Wilder
I only ask that you be real...
(Me)
(Please call me Jonathan, THANKS!)
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/25/2010 11:25:46 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 588
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello dboe
Let me ask this. Have you ever shot guns with your husband at the range, or gone hunting with him. I would personally want to see you with a gun first. It doesn't seem quite feminine, really.
Maybe the two of you might practice deciphering each other's vibes.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 2/26/2010 9:04:34 PM
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davelinde
Posts: 1006
Joined: 5/5/2006
From: New Jersey
Status: offline
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Clueless...?
Let me start by saying - you are supposed to give gifts on Valentines day? I thought that was only Christmas, Her birthday, and when you wanted to give her a gift? HELP!!! are there other days when gifting is required?
To the OP... "clueless" made me think this was a HARD question. OF COURSE men are clueless about gifts. We get sniff's and looks about expensive gifts, the same on gifts we thought about for months, the same on gifts that seem perfect and we plan for months... then we buy something on a whim and our girl cries and coos and tells us we are so thoughtful - it IS a mystery and seems more like roulette than a fair test of our love.
I actually did an experiment years ago and "accidentally" wandered into stores with DW. I would look around, pick the "perfect" gift (cost no object) and say "hey, what would you think if I bought you that?". 100% of the time I got a sniff and "oh no"... so - YES I am clueless.
Lately I have capitulated to "gifts" jointly chosen and enjoyed. The last one was a 10 day cruise... -- she picked it/I paid for it... I believe it satisfied BOTH her Christmas and my Birthday and we both thought it was a good choice.
OK... back to the gun. Well, even with my lack of skill in gift rules this one is "out there" in most cases (unless... like did he do all the paperwork for your permit too and is it a CCW... -- oh bother I guess that's not important though it WOULD have been a lot of work and...) So for sure this matches up with the "best gift to GIVE is one you would like to GET" criteria. I'd say he was trying and not clueless... he tried.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 3/9/2010 11:13:11 PM
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Kerrlaw
Posts: 5344
Joined: 5/24/2006
From: Big Orange Country
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What kind of firearm was it?
My answer hinges on this valuable piece of information.
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That which does not kill us makes us fatter. ~ crankius
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RE: are men really so clueless - 3/11/2010 3:58:34 PM
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PrimaryOvertone
Posts: 87
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: online
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Here is another question, How many men here would return something they got as a gift?
I know personally I would not if it was a gift from family. If it was an office gift exchange and I knew where they got the gift I might but not a gift from family. I tend to think that most guys would be like me and just stick something in the back of the closet but I am willing to be surprised.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 3/15/2010 5:06:28 AM
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jmjphe
Posts: 52
Joined: 4/29/2008
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I just gotta say it. This is the exact reason i've boycotted valentines day. Its the most unromantic holiday on the calendar filled with attitudes of entitlement.
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RE: are men really so clueless - 3/17/2010 10:46:33 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4125
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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After what Al Capone pulled on February 14, 1929 in Chicago, a gun seems entirely appropriate.
quote:
What kind of firearm was it?
My answer hinges on this valuable piece of information. A Thompson sub perhaps?
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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