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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/10/2009 1:31:30 PM
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NuthouseMama
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oh Maggie. Even if it's the medical term, that's still a cold and hurtful way to phrase it. (((Maggie)))
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/10/2009 4:08:15 PM
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christsstar
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All y'all were/are in my prayers today.
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/11/2009 12:15:10 PM
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anne-girl
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quote:
<sigh> I just looked at the bloodwork script from the midwife and it's marked "spontaneous abortion". I know it's the medical term. But.... ugh.
Yup, I've always disliked that term too.
Well, yesterday wasn't too bad. I mean, it sucked, but the anticipation of the day was almost worse than the day itself. Besides, I was so busy I didn't really have time to be upset, so I'm expecting to fall apart today after meeting a deadline at work.
We went out to the gardens yesterday; we had just been told the marker had been laid on our baby's grave, and we had originally thought we wouldn't have time to go, but we made the time. I'd say DH wanted to go as much as me, if not more, which somehow made me feel better. We never stay long when we go, but it always helps. We brought her some orange gerberas; I didn't much feel like bringing her pale or cutesy flowers. DH bought me some flowers as well, after I suggested I'd prefer flowers over a Mother's Day card (I had previously told him I didn't want a card, so he didn't get anything because he didn't want to upset me).
Having my parents over yesterday helped too; it became more about my mother than about me. Nevertheless, I appreciated understanding hugs from my folks, and other people at church who understood that it wasn't a great day for me.
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Jen's chilling with her baby boy!
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/11/2009 7:35:49 PM
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42servehymn
Posts: 336
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From: Littleton, Colorado
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quote:
ORIGINAL: artemis
That is sweet, Gina. Mothers Day is hard anytime you want kids and don't have them (for whatever reason). Last year, I had just gotten pregnant (it was the end of the first trimester) and we hadn't told anyone at church yet. They all knew that I'd had a miscarriage in December, though. During the worship service, the music leader got up and started going on and on about how he and his wife were so excited because they were expecting their first child. Even though I was pregnant again, whatever he said really hit me and I had to leave the room. I don't even remember what he said, but several people came up to me afterwards and told me they thought his impromptu speech was very insensitive. ("Narcissistic" was the word my mom used). There were a lot of people in that church with infertility issues. Only 1 of the 10 kids wasn't adopted!
FYI, Maggie... I didn't ovulate until 90 days after my D&C. I did get pregnant that first cycle, though.
Artemis I don't mean to be insensitive to what you have experienced but I disagree with your calling this music leader insensitive. I think he has every right to get excited about and want to share his excitement about his own impending arrival. After my miscarriage I tried to make an effort to realize that I was overly sensitive but that was not other people's problem but my own problem to deal with. If someones spouse passes away is it insensitive for someone to announce a proposal. We can appreciate when others mourn with us but it is insensitive of us to expect others to be unable to celebrate joys of life because we are suffering.
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/11/2009 7:54:06 PM
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artemis
Posts: 188
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 42servehymn
quote:
ORIGINAL: artemis
That is sweet, Gina. Mothers Day is hard anytime you want kids and don't have them (for whatever reason). Last year, I had just gotten pregnant (it was the end of the first trimester) and we hadn't told anyone at church yet. They all knew that I'd had a miscarriage in December, though. During the worship service, the music leader got up and started going on and on about how he and his wife were so excited because they were expecting their first child. Even though I was pregnant again, whatever he said really hit me and I had to leave the room. I don't even remember what he said, but several people came up to me afterwards and told me they thought his impromptu speech was very insensitive. ("Narcissistic" was the word my mom used). There were a lot of people in that church with infertility issues. Only 1 of the 10 kids wasn't adopted!
FYI, Maggie... I didn't ovulate until 90 days after my D&C. I did get pregnant that first cycle, though.
Artemis I don't mean to be insensitive to what you have experienced but I disagree with your calling this music leader insensitive. I think he has every right to get excited about and want to share his excitement about his own impending arrival. After my miscarriage I tried to make an effort to realize that I was overly sensitive but that was not other people's problem but my own problem to deal with. If someones spouse passes away is it insensitive for someone to announce a proposal. We can appreciate when others mourn with us but it is insensitive of us to expect others to be unable to celebrate joys of life because we are suffering.
That's why I said "whatever he said really hit me and I had to leave the room. I don't even remember what he said..." I didn't mean that him being excited about his own wife's pregnancy was insensitive, just that something he said in the whole speech really hurt my feelings. I don't remember what it was, but I wasn't the only one who was hurt. The pastor had to talk to him a few times about just randomly talking whenever he had a mic in his hand  . On more than one occassion, he said that it was impossible to worship God if you weren't standing. Two people in out ~50 member church were in wheelchairs  Whatever his wording was in his Mother's Day speech, it was something like that. Sorry I was unclear...
Same couple... after announcing their pregnancy, his wife would ask me about when I was pregnant. Things like "when you were pregnant, did you feel sick in the morning or in the afternoon?" or "when you were pregnant, did your jeans feel tight really early in the pregnancy?" She wasn't trying to be mean, but I really didn't want to talk about "when I was pregnant." They just didn't get it...
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/12/2009 9:05:58 AM
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anne-girl
Posts: 1838
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quote:
quote:
Same couple... after announcing their pregnancy, his wife would ask me about when I was pregnant. Things like "when you were pregnant, did you feel sick in the morning or in the afternoon?" or "when you were pregnant, did your jeans feel tight really early in the pregnancy?" She wasn't trying to be mean, but I really didn't want to talk about "when I was pregnant." They just didn't get it...
Now that's insensitive
I actually had a coworker do the same; but then, she and I were pregnant at the same time when I miscarried. From her it didn't feel insensitive; in fact, I felt like she was one of the only people at the office who was able to acknowledge what I was going though; for some of my other colleagues it was like it just didn't happen. The lesson I learned: when someone encounters a loss and you're sorry but don't know what to say, say exactly that. If you don't say anything they'll feel like you don't care, even if you write something nice in a card from the group.
Even so, it was weird when my colleague started asking me what the induction was like. I didn't realize until afterward that because she was getting very big very early, she was trying to figure out what it would be like if she had to be induced preterm because of the size of the baby.
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Jen's chilling with her baby boy!
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/13/2009 10:54:08 AM
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anne-girl
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Well, my colleague called today to tell me she'd had her baby. We had already guessed as much based on posts at her Facebook page. I was jealous when I heard she'd had her baby; don't ask me why. For every other baby that's come between my miscarriage and now, I've been able to separate the two events in my mind, but not for this.
I'd been feeling jealous ever since the Facebook posting, but when she called me... she'd been in the hospital for a whole week.  Her water broke and she went in, but didn't dilate. They tried inducing her, but she didn't dilate. Finally she had an emergency c-section two days later; then there were complications with a mismatched blood type--not sure I understood what that was about, but it meant her son was affected. Her husband couldn't get more than a week off, and his week was spent taking care of the baby at the hospital, because she wasn't well enough to.
I'm relieved that she and the baby are fine (well, as fine as they can be now that they're home alone with nobody to help them! ) but I am now feeling insanely guilty for having felt jealous. 
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Jen's chilling with her baby boy!
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/13/2009 1:29:21 PM
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NuthouseMama
Posts: 934
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From: Just north of nowhere
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anne, I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling jealous. I can't say I'd blame you.
Ummm...it just occurred to me that perhaps I should not be posting in here. I ache for all of you so much, and have learned quite a bit from reading your stories. But...I don't think it's a good idea for me to be posting, because I do NOT want to hurt anyone...
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Formerly: Blessedmamaofmany. Still blessed. Just crazier.
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/14/2009 11:54:53 AM
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firefightermama
Posts: 335
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From: Canada
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Anne, after I lost my little girl, I always had a hard time with people that were pregnant the same time that I should have been. Once they had their babies I was fine.
Even now when I see those kids that would have been the same age, it doesn't really bother me. I always had the hardest time with pregnant women.
Don't feel bad for feeling jealous, I would too.
Sandy, I don't mind you posting here, but I can't speak for any of the others. Just a note, you might want to turn off your siggy when you post in here, or your photo (not sure if you can do that or not)
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"I wish I was a glow worm, cuz glow worms are never glum.
How can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum?
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/14/2009 3:46:10 PM
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anne-girl
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Blessedmama, I can't speak for anybody else either, but I would welcome you to continue commenting here.
quote:
Anne, after I lost my little girl, I always had a hard time with people that were pregnant the same time that I should have been. Once they had their babies I was fine.
Even now when I see those kids that would have been the same age, it doesn't really bother me. I always had the hardest time with pregnant women.
Don't feel bad for feeling jealous, I would too.
The funny thing is that other pregnant women didn't bother me, nor other women who had babies, except at first; news of the first friend who was expecting, and the first pregnant mom and first baby bothered me, but not after that. I think with my colleague, it was more about all the time we spent talking about our pregnancies, and our babies--we were commuting together for a month or so before I miscarried, so I couldn't think of her without thinking of how happy I was at the time.
I guess what it comes down to is that at times like these, you feel what you feel. Jealous, then guilt about jealousy. I guess the key is not to come down on yourself too hard for whatever you feel.
So, my cycle is officially back to normal. Woohoo! I've never been thrilled to have cramps or a heavy flow before, but it all means that the uterine lining is built up again, so we're cleared to start trying again. (I had two D&Cs so my doc and midwife wanted us to wait 3 cycles before trying again; this was the third). The hormonal swings were much less intense this time around; I just had normal PMS instead of feeling like I was going crazy.
I won't be around for a couple of weeks, as I am leaving for vacation tomorrow. I will see you all in June!
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Jen's chilling with her baby boy!
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/23/2009 1:19:36 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
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1. To all of you, please accept my deepest sympathies. That has to be very hard.
2. It really makes me sad that churches don't treat miscarriage like they do any other death. I mean, churches SAY they are prolife, but when a woman has a miscarriage, the church just wants to draw a curtain over it, and expect the couple to "move on." I really think churches should start treating miscarriages like any other death. Have a memorial service, a burial, encourage the couple to name the child, bring meals for the family, etc. I think our church would do this, but so far we haven't had a miscarriage in our church (that I can recall) that the woman knew of, anyway. We had one baby die of sids, who we did have a big funeral for, but no miscarriages that I can recall (at least not WHILE the mom was at our church). There is one older lady that now has great grandchildren, who had several miscarriages, but that was years ago, way before she ever came to our church, she didn't come to our church until about 4 yrs. ago. Our church is small, and we've only been in existence since the early 90's. That's how I know.
Well, I do remember when I was away at college one lady did have a miscarriage, but since I was away I don't know what they did. I think that particular lady would probably want to grieve privately, though.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 5/23/2009 6:33:56 PM >
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/23/2009 9:40:45 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3400
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I really think churches should start treating miscarriages like any other death. Have a memorial service, a burial, encourage the couple to name the child, bring meals for the family, etc.
That's a beautiful idea, if that's what the couple in question would like. Some may want to deal with it quietly in their own way and not made to feel like they were cold or uncaring if they don't wish to have a memorial service.
I wish I did know what to say, Maggie, except that I am so sorry. You are a wonderful mother to all four of your children.
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/23/2009 10:03:47 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
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Well, I meant IF the couple wanted it. I should have clarified that.
I knew of a situation (no not at my church, not even in my state) where the pastor's wife had a miscarriage, and she was really grieving and staying home from church for a few weeks, and someone judged her for not "getting over it" soon enough. And that person had never had a miscarriage (and had had 4 healthy children). I thought that is about as harsh as it gets. No one who hasn't been through it should ever judge someone who has in the way they handle it.
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/24/2009 5:47:56 PM
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firefightermama
Posts: 335
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From: Canada
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We had a memorial, named the baby and had our pastor attend the memorial, it was just us, him, and mine & hubby's parents. It was so hard, but I'm glad we did it. We have a counsellor at our church, and she was really helpful to me at the hospital, she encouraged us to grieve this baby as our child. I'll always be glad that we did. Oh, and our church did provide a lot of food and meals for us the day of the memorial service, it was so kind, especially since I was not physically well after the delivery.
I did have somebody ask me a few months later "You're not over that yet??" That was one of the worst things said to me. Some people don't get it... at.all.
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~yolanda~
"I wish I was a glow worm, cuz glow worms are never glum.
How can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum?
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/24/2009 7:06:57 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
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quote:
I did have somebody ask me a few months later "You're not over that yet??" That was one of the worst things said to me. Some people don't get it... at.all.
I'm so sorry Yolanda..that was awful. And I've very sorry about your little girl. I didn't know about her before.
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 5/24/2009 7:13:08 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
Posts: 2460
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I am really praying today for God's comfort on all of you. I would love to be able to express my sympathy in more tangible way. If any of you would like me to send you a real card in the mail, you can pm me your address if you would like. Of course, if you would prefer not to, that is ok too.
((((((((((((hugs to all in this thread))))))))))
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 6/2/2009 12:33:33 PM
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anne-girl
Posts: 1838
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From: Wherever I am
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Maggie, how was the one-month "anniversary"? I found that the anticipation of the day was worse than the day itself, but it's different for everybody.
We've missed the window on getting pregnant before the due date (early July) and I'm already upset... but I'd be willing to bet that the due date won't be as bad as I think it's going to be.
We're just back from vacation, and the change of pace was really, really good for us. I haven't so much noticed the change in myself, because I tend to notice when I'm unhappy, but when I'm happy I'm too busy being happy to notice.  DH has commented that I am much more cheerful since we left, and I do think we've definitely turned over a new page, so to speak.
quote:
It really makes me sad that churches don't treat miscarriage like they do any other death. I mean, churches SAY they are prolife, but when a woman has a miscarriage, the church just wants to draw a curtain over it, and expect the couple to "move on." I really think churches should start treating miscarriages like any other death. Have a memorial service, a burial, encourage the couple to name the child, bring meals for the family, etc.
My church actually did this for us, and I was profoundly grateful. The first thing we did after finding out we were going to miscarry was to invite ourselves over to the pastor's house for prayer. Mind you, DH was on the leadership team so he might not have felt comfortable to do so otherwise. We did have a funeral and a burial, with just our pastor, my parents, and DH's parents (via cell phone!) attending. Our pastor was a bit surprised we wanted to be that formal about it, but was happy to assist. He later told us it was the first child's funeral he'd ever presided over; the next youngest had been a teenager. To be honest, if we hadn't been a week away from it being a stillbirth (we were at 19 weeks) I don't know if he would have encouraged us to have a service.
The group that puts together meals for new moms also offered to do meals for us; we were thankful that they thought of us, but we turned them down since we were feeling well enough and had lots of food in the freezer. In retrospect we should have accepted; we were physically fine, but emotionally, not in much of a state to cook.
I think the main thing is that society encourages us to be private about miscarriage, and the church hasn't figured out how to be different. I mean, how do you communicate to your congregation that you're open about supporting parents through this, if it hasn't happened to anybody in your church who has made it public? If they've never seen anybody else supported in such a time of need, how would they feel comfortable with asking for that kind of support? It's a catch-22.
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RE: Miscarriage thread - 6/2/2009 3:27:36 PM
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anne-girl
Posts: 1838
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quote:
It was worse than I thought. A really bad day. Didn't even realize at first why I was so miserable. But I had a good cry, and was OK after that.
I've had days where I wake up miserable and can't figure out why until I remember what happened. I'm sorry it wasn't a good day for you, but I'm glad the tears helped somewhat.
I actually felt guilty for crying yesterday (over knowing I wouldn't be pregnant by the due date), esp after DH commented on how happy I'd been lately, but you know what? If you need to cry, nothing feels better than crying.
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Jen's chilling with her baby boy!
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I know it's the medical term. But.... ugh.
Christine 
